Bovine Teats
by spicyedgarallenpoe
Summary: 5sos and cows ;)))
1. Chapter 1

Bovine Teats

AU meme: u suck so much dick you get throat cancer

plot twist jk that don't happen

_Author's Note: This plot was inspired by a recent trip to Pagosa Springs. Written by two "Queefy Janes" from Tucson, AZ. Enjoy. ;)_

_Dedicated to our dear Celery Diggity-Dongity-Dilfy-Dingy-Dung Berry-duckPEEN_

Y/N was a typical one-third Somalian, one-third French, and one-third Nigerian girl who liked to fart. She had deep, deep, soupy poopy brown eyes and a "Santa's Flesh" complexion, but a surprisingly radiant smile that revealed rows of perfect pearly whites that blended into her skin. Maybe such a combination of different ethnicities in one female was not typical, however her affinity for flatulence was ordinary where she came from: Sydney, Australia. She went to an all-girls boarding school in a rural area. Daily activities included religious studies in addition to milking cows. Y/N could never quite acquire the technique of grasping and pulling the teats. The bessies mooed at her and for some reason the sounds made her feel very aroused. in the teat. So she mooed back. Always. In her free time, she often played video games with her two best friends Amme and Naiy. Yea she was a girl. Yea she played games. Yea she was a gamer girl. However, besides her two companions, she was very good friends with one of their teachers Harriet Styles. Ms. Styles was like a mother to Y/N. Y/N was sent to the school at a very young age and never really knew her biological parents. For all she knew, she was probably an orphan. Either way, it seemed as tho Y/N had truly resided in Mrs. Styles' uterus for 9 months to finally be birthed from her bloody vagina.

One day, the headmaster Trista Evans announced that the school would be welcoming two new faculty members and two new students.

"What's up bitches, hoes and skanks? What's crackalackin my mahonies?!" She began the assembly laughing but her laughter quickly turned into sad tears. "I'm sorry everybody but I went to my gynecologist today and she told me my vagina was too loose for her instruments. Anyway, on a more serious note, we will be introducing four new members into our little community: Michael Clifford, Ashton Irwin, who isn't here with us A-T-M, Lucille Hemmings and Cali Hood."

After this short introduction, Mrs. Evans gestured to Michael to introduce himself. Michael Clifford, the new janitor, had a passion for bananas. His grey eyes lit up when he talked about their yellow, waxy peels, and how the fiber strings clung from his bottom lip. He loved the way the banana meat mushed between his canines and molars and how even after he swallowed, he could still feel the residue on his tongue. "The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body and bananas contribute greatly to its pleasuring ability," he chuckled goodheartedly.

He didn't seem to notice that no one else quite enjoyed the discussion of the phallic fruit as much as he did. Y/N noticed that both of the new students glared at Mr. Clifford, and she wondered why they needed a janitor at all. After, Mr. Clifford was Lucille. Lucille had crusty blonde hair and eyes as blue as really blue eyes. She was tall as fuck, and had the build of a man. Y/N found Lucille to be quite fetching, and not for the first time did she question her sexuality. "Ummmmm, aloha sprinklerinos. Thank you Mrs. Evans for the incredibly fetch story about your gyno! I think we've all been there am i rite ladies?!" she nodded like a bobbly bobble head. "Anyway, a little tidbit about me: I grew up on a farm milking cows and fertilizing soil." Y/N moaned as cow-milking fantasies filled her naughty imagination, but quickly brought herself back to the present when she realized other girls were staring at her. "I also love dick," Lucille continued with a hair flip and toe flick as she bounced off the stage to return to her seat before the audience. Everyone seemed to brush off the dick comment and no one seemed to notice that Lucille's teats were slightly off kilter after the hoppity hops.

Next in line was Cali Hood. "Uh, hello everybody," began Cali in a deep gruff voice. The distance between her eyebrows and hairline was only like two centimeters, but Y/N was in no place to judge. Cali's uniform was a little tight in the crotch region, and her legs were very muscular and hairy. Her blazer seemed on the verge of bursting around the shoulders. "So uh, I guess a thing about me would be that I like football and dogs. I mean dogs are man's best friend am i rite ladies?!"

"ARE YOU A LESBIAN?!" someone shouted from the back.

"Well, that's for me to know and for you to find out," Cali chuckled right before winking and ripping off her blazer. Everyone cheered at this brash act of borderline nudity, while Mrs. Evans looked fucking horrified.


	2. Chapter 2

"What the fuck were you thinking 'Cali Hood' stripping like that!?" Luke whispered angrily.

"Oh turn down you fucking tosser," Calum retorted. "I was just trying to have some fun on our mission in this backwards Amish boarding school."

"The point of the mission is to blend in with the girls and protect them not stand out you dumb fucking lampshade."

"Just fucking settle down. Your asshole is so tight I would find diamonds in there."

"Ugh shut the fuck up. Also, where the fuck is Michael? We need to discuss shit."

"How the hell am I supposed to know? He's a 'janitor' so he's probably jerking off in a closet somewhere."

"Sounds like him. Have you heard anything from Ashton? We need to get the briefs from him."

"Why the fuck would he have our underwear? I didn't think he was that kinky."  
>"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST you pErVeRtEd fucking, horny ass mountain troll. I OBVIOUSLY MEANT THE BRIEFING DOCUMENTS," Luke exclaimed.<p>

"Damn bitch keep ya voice down. What were you saying earlier about 'blending in' and 'not standing out'." Calum replied.

"Oh stop being such a fucking twat. I'm going to sleep. Good night asshole."

"Stop being a baby. Good night. Sleep tight. Don't have any wet dreams."


	3. Chapter 3

Y/N woke up early the next morning. It was a Saturday. Despite her groggy mind, she quickly remembered her recurring dream from the night before, except this time, it had a twist. Normally her fantasy took place in her bed, "Frank". In her dream, she would wake up paralyzed and constricted by the bed sheets as a cow approached her and then stroked her face. She desperately wanted to reciprocate the tender movements but couldn't. However, last night, the cow was actually Mrs. Styles, but she quickly morphed into Cali with Lucille's face. She had never felt such strong sexual attraction to any girl/s before. Then it dawned on her. Y/N was definitely a lesbian.


	4. Chapter 4

The next time anything interesting happened to Y/N was Monday morning. At 7 am she woke up (from yet another sex paralysis dream), had to get fresh (in her plaid kilt and button up school uniform), had to go downstairs, had to have her bowl, had to have cereal (Uter-o's: a generic brand of cereal unique to rural Australia) and tra-la-la'ed to her first class. As she walked into her teat-ing class at 8 in da morn she saw a mysterious figure in the dark corner of the stable. Her fear slightly aroused her, but this ain't no HallowPEEN shit. The figure turned around and said, "G'DAY BITChes i mean lassies, I'M YOUR NEW TEACHER FOR TEAT-ING 101. My name is Ashton Irwin but you can call me Mr. Teat or Stacy for short. Sorry I couldn't make it to the introduction assembly. I had a a touch of explosive diarrhea. "

Mr. Teat was dressed in a cow udder costume, so maybe it was a little Halloweenie, but it really just looked like a fuckin condom (brand: Trojan; size: EXTRA MAGNUM DANGEROUSLY THICK DONG). "I think we'll get along very well this year u thots!"

Y/N looked around at her classmates who all looked mildly turned on to incredibly repulsed. She herself didn't know what to think, but figured it was not much stranger than what had happened just two days ago.

"You just grab the big ol' teat in your phalanges like this" as he grabbed one of the tentacles on his costume. Y/N groaned. "UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHGGGFFFFNNNNNNN".

Then Y/N blacked the fuck out. #getshmacked. She woke up a few minutes later to a blurry vision of Stacy waving a teat in front of her eyes. The arousal she felt from the udder nearly caused her to black out again in an orgasmic terror, but luckily she held her flabby bits together.

"OKay man we need to get you to the nurses' office." Y/N silently protested because she dreaded having to miss her fav class of all time (low). But she realized as Mr. Teat walked her to the nurses' office that she enjoyed the *sensation* of his arms next to hers, and his **big ol' thighs**. As she was fantasizing about the manliness of Ashton Irwin, it was completely silent and Ashton actually found it very fucking awkward, like when his ex-girlfriend queefed that one time and then he gagged (on accident he swore). Anyway tho, while they walked in silence Ashton thought about the mission they would have to carry out in the next four days. The P.U.S.S.Y. alliance was moving fast and it was rumored that they would carry out their plan by the end of the week. And it was up to him and boys to save them all.


	5. Chapter 5

Cali Hood was in Y/N's Anatomy of the Cow's Reproductive System 101 class. They were assigned partners for an exploratory project involving cows. Y/N was desperately hoping to work with some cow testes with Cali because of her first attraction to her when she was on stage.

Cali thought to herself "Damn. These cow-loving nuns need some new uniforms. Where da titties at?" He mentally catalogued the girls on a scale from Satan to fuckalicious. Y/N was at the top. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMM she got that crazy factor," the fuckboy thought to himself.

That night, Cali found Y/N's dorm room and knuckle-fisted the door.

_*Knock* Knock* *Knock*_

Knockity knock he went and skippity skap she came to the door. Y/N was so shocked by the sudden arrival of the new student that she almost forgot about the bovine porn mag (_Cow-boy _Vol 69 Issue 420) open on her bed-she liked it old fashion.

"NNNNNNNNEIGH" she ran to her bed and threw herself upon the magazine to cover it and also threw up.

"OMG! You threw up? ok. SO UH anyway, Y/N, you down and dirty for seckshual healing?"

Y/N was a bit taken aback by his fowardickity, but as she thought about the proposition, her razzle (and dazzle) grew until she could not resist the urge to procreate.

"OKay. but first, let me get my octopi pasties." She had purchased this Avant Garde lingerie from a black market website called .com. The pasties she had bought were like those Trolli octopus gummies but for your nips.

Y/N flung herself at Cali and then Y/N pawed at Cali's vagina. Why did it feel like a penis? She pushed this suspicion out of her mind and pulled on it. Sex was strangely similar to milking cows. "Moooooooo," Y/N mooed.

"OI WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT," Cali exclaimed.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry. Is this how lesbian sex is supposed to work?"

"Uhhhhhhh yea definitely babe. What's your name again?"

"Oh it can be whatever you want it to be," Y/N replied seductively.

"Uh alright."

Then Calum put his penis in Y/N's vagina and fucked. It was over in 2 minutes.


	6. Chapter 6

After the sexy tym, Y/N had passed out immediately. Calum thought about how extraordinary it had been. He would have to talk about it in his podcast, called "Cock Talk with Calum Hood" formerly known as "Penis Perkin' with Calum Hood". Y/N was fucking crazy there was no doubt about it, but Calum was crazy into it. He smirked as he imagined the boys' reactions when he announced to them that he could already check off the first hookup in this lesbo-institush.

Calum stopped by a vendo to get his fav snacky snack: Orgies, a native Kiwi snack of gummy texture that were made to look like assless chaps. Then he made his way to the boys' meeting place to receive the undie-briefs Ashton finally had.

As he entered the dusty janitor closet, he thought about who he should fuck next, because the closet was def the next low-cal (location). Turning on the light, he saw Luke in his school uniform except that his titties were incredibly lopsided, Michael with a banana in each of his hands, and Ashton in a condom costume.

"Luke, what the fuck happened to ur tits man. Your game is slippin. Michael please finish your dick fruits or I'm gonna shove 'em up your ass. And Ashton what's with the condom suit?"

"Shut the FUCk up Calum, I lost one of my fake tits and had to substitute it with a lumpy bag of pee-peas."

"IT'S A COW UDDER SUIT U FUCK."

"Alright just sit ur concave ass down do you have the fuckin briefs or nah."

Ashton pulled three nude colored Manila folders from the folds of the costume and distributed them to each of the boys. "When you open the folders you'll find information on P.U.S.S.Y."

"Yea, Luke really needs some help with that…." Calum grumbled.

"I FUCKIN HEARD THAT YOU TWAT"

"Shut the fuck up both of you or i'm gonna wad these papers up and stick 'em up your peen holes," Ashton threatened. "As I was saying, P.U.S.S.Y. stands for Pulling Udders of Squelchy (cow)S for Yummy milk, not to be confused with Protection Under Sassy (au)Ssies, Ya feel?, which is an animals rights group exclusively for gay men. As members of B.A.L.L.S. it is our duty to prevent the abduction of these girls from happening." B.A.L.L.S. stood for Basis and Legation of Low-key Spies. All four of the boys were a part of this highly-selective government agency and were all chosen for their special talents. Luke was chosen for his virgin-pussy-tight discipline, Calum was chosen for his virility, Michael for his ability to look like a child molester, and Ashton for his great personality. "We have reliable intel and good reason to believe that P.U.S.S.Y. is making their big move on Thursday, in three days time. Until then, our duty is to find their spy. Apparently, she is blonde and has a history of vaginal problems. Does someone with gyno ishes sound familiar to anyone?"

"That sounds exactly like Trista Evans the headmaster," Michael answered.

"You should've been at the assembly, Ash. She's totally got the "hot mom bad teacher that you'd only fuck after confessional" vibe that you love," smirked Calum.

"I swear to god Cal i'm this close to ripping ur dick off. Anyway, since Evans sounds like our best bet and number one suspect, keep a close eye on her."

"Will do, Irwie," replied Luke.

Ashton sighed. "Just go back to your rooms all of you and get ready for another day of this teat education."

"Fine, you prick. Goodnight everybody. I just wanted to say that I fucked a girl tonight, Peace out, pussies," said Calum as he exited the closet. At this moment, Luke got so mad at Calum's philandering that he popped a boner.

"OMGIOD DUDE COME ON. HERE." exclaimed Michael as he shoved a banana in his direction. "Eat this it'll help."

And then it dawned on Ashton and Luke that Michael's love for bananas was really just a result of him constantly being on the verge of erection. Nothing would ever be the same again.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning, Y/N woke up, went through her morning ritual again and went to hangout with her besties Amme and Naiy before her first class.

"Guys, you'll never guess what happened last night. I had a sex?! L#K#LKJ%$JLGKJ#OI ," Y/N announced.

"HUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH. that's great Y/N!," Naiy said with a fart.

"Ugh please. You know what sex talk does to my bowels," complained Amme. Amme had a strange condition where sexual arousal coincided with her desire to shit. She lived a precarious life between vaginal and anal release.

"Amme you're pretty gross but i'm also pretty into it. Anyway, Y/N how was it?" asked Naiy.

"It was remarkably similar to milking cows."

"Ah, just the way i like it: big and teat-y."

The girls had to stop talking about Y/N's lost virginity because Amme was on the poopy verge of violently shitting herself. repeatedly. They made their way to the class they had together: sex ed. As they walked in, it was not their normal teacher. In fact, it was Mr. Teat again, who had taught Y/N's teat-ing class the day before.

"Mr. Teat! How udderly delightful it is to see you!"

"Shut the fuck up Y/N. I'm subbing for your regular teacher Ms. Tomlinson because she couldn't make it today due to medical complications." replied Mr. Teat, but she was still so happy from the fuckin she endured the night before that she didn't even hear him. In reality, Ms. Tomlinson had a dildo stuck in her ass due to her hookup with Ashton after he met with the rest of the B.A.L.L.S. boys. He got cranky whenever he felt guilty and thought it was the least he could do to sub for her class.

For the entire 69 minute class period, Y/N daydreamed about peens. "One peen, two peen, red peen, blue peen. Black peen, blue peen, old peen, new peen!" she thought happily to herself. She thought about the way Cali's girl-penis had fit just perfectly in her hand, like a cob of corn, or a carrot stick, or a water bottle, or her fav dildo. The real misfortune was that if she had paid attention, she would've realized that Mr. Teat's sex ed lesson clearly indicated that Y/N did not actually have "lesbian sex" last night. It was no biggie, she would learn next time, as their sex ed lessons never changed.

Y/N flossy-flounced out of the class after it was over and went back to her dorm for her tri-weekly masturbation sesh.

Meanwhile, Calum was hanging around Mrs. Evans office tryna get the inside poopy scoop on her. He pressed his ear to the door, but all he could hear was erotic mooing. "what the fuck, is this whole school into cow fuking?" he thought aloud.

"Yes, we actually are. In fact we pride ourselves on our teat-ing abilities and knowledge on the sexualization of bovines," sad a voice behind him. Calum whipped around so fast his wig nearly fell off and his penis fell out of his panties, as he saw one of the most stunningly beautiful woman he'd seen in his life.

"Well hello there, gorgeous. Wanna hop on daddy Calum and tell him more ;) ;) ;)?"

Harriet Styles answered him with a swift kick in the good ol' ballsack. Calum choked back tears as to not blow his cover, but it was a little too late for that. It felt like his non-existent uterus was about to explode in a fiery-firework display of bloody bits.

"I know who you are """"""Cali Hood"""""". and I know what you're trying to do. By the way, Trista isn't the spy. I am."

Calum gasped as best as he could. (He was always one for theatrics, his guilty pleasure: he never could resist a good stage production. He always found the hot stage lights rather erotic, the way their heat carressed his ready and willing nipples. Merely the smell of a playbill could get him going.) Before he could do his best stage-scream for help, Harriet kicked him in the stomach. Calum was very confused. If he was being honest with himself, this physical abuse was actually turning him on. But in his immobile state he could not do anything as she dragged him into a closet. Calum did his best to gasp again. A closet was his next fucking low-cal! "Are we soul mates?" wondered Calum. Just before Harriet closed the closet door, she stuck a tranquilizer in his neck and set to work gagging and binding him. "The next time you walk out of this closet, and right into my big ol' vagina, this school will be empty of our girls. They'll be locked away at our headquarters, milking cow titties and building a bovine army for us, where the cumulative farts will cause a humongous increase in greenhouse gas emissions, thus increasing the rate of global warming. Don't worry babe, you'll get a lot more of this when we're through. But business first." She left with a wink and a fart, Calum's fav combo.

"Please tell my Sperries i love them," Calum added at the last moment. Right before he blacked out, Calum thought he could smell a hint of vanilla in her ass burp. "Amazing," he thought just as he fell into a deep and wide slumber.


End file.
